Jesus Healed Rusty and Amy Nokes Marriage
Rusty’s Jesus Story
I was born into a family where abuse (primarily verbal and emotional), addiction (drugs, alcohol and sex), adultery, and abandonment were the norm. I am the oldest of three. My sister is two years younger than me and my brother is 7 years younger. There was pornography in the house and I found it at a young age of around 6-7 I believe. I didn’t consume it on a regular basis, but the exposure left an impression on me that would impact me later. Mom and dad were separated a lot. I don’t have any pleasant memories to speak of where we were all together and no memories of sitting down to meals together etc. I do remember being left with some pretty sketchy babysitters from time to time. My best childhood memories are the times we were at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.
When I was 10, I witnessed my mom screaming at my sister as she pushed her up against a wall and continued berating her. I was young but very protective of my siblings. I would often take them into the woods and hide them when mom and dad were fighting. After this incident I secretively sent a letter to Grandma and Grandpa explaining the horrors of life and asked them to please let us come live with them. It wasn’t too long after that when they got involved and brought us to live with them and eventually gained custody. I finally felt like we were in a safe place. I don’t remember if mom and dad divorced prior to our escape or after but it was somewhere around that time that they did split up for good.
Before getting to my grandparents, when we were still with mom and or dad there would be times that dad and I would be out together. Driving around doing errands or whatever. Most of the time he would be drinking and often road raged on people. I saw him fight many times. Inevitably he would also point out women to me. One of his favorite expressions was, “whew, look at the legs on that one.” I inherently knew there was something not right about it, but I just sat there and pretended to approve.
Grandma and Grandpa were strong Christians and we began going to church every Sunday and Wednesday. The church was very “religious and legalistic” but it did lay a good foundation of Biblical knowledge and we were loved and had healthier friends and family around us.
There was my other grandparents, Papa and Nanny, literally around the corner from where we were living with my mom’s parents. Papa was great. A retired disabled WWII vet. I would go over often because he always had Cokes, Twinkies and Ding Dongs, and Resees peanut butter cups stocked in the pantry. It was always a good oasis after being out riding bikes and playing. When I was around 12 his youngest son (my dad’s younger brother), Tommy, moved back in. Nanny had passed away and Tommy had moved in. I’m not sure why but I learned later he struggled with drugs and alcohol. Much like my dad, he was a good hearted man in many ways but had some vices. One was pornography. I found some of his magazines under a mat in the bathroom one day. This became a regular activity.
Papa was very disabled and needed help around the house cooking and bathing etc. He began meeting women and having them come over. Kind of a working interview I guess. They wouldn’t stay the night. It was innocent, but he was definitely trying to find a mate and I understand that. He needed someone. Well, the one he finally settled on had a teenage son. He was very vulgar in his speech and was also into pornography. I hated him.
As I grew and matured, I knew sexual sin was wrong. I had convictions about it. But I had also learned to medicate the pain in my heart with it. I had a lot of resentments and bitterness and pornography helped me escape and ease that pain. I wasn’t into dating as I got older. I was pretty insecure around females and just didn’t really know how to “play the game.” And although I was able to access porn occasionally or watch an HBO movie when I could that might show some skin, I didn’t really want to physically act out with anyone. That, in my mind, was going to far.
It wasn’t until after high school, when I moved out and went to college that my habit turned into an addiction. Now unsupervised, I could consume whatever whenever. The town I grew up in was in a dry county. No alcohol. It was very conservative. But…, there was a secret little store kind of under the radar and on an obscure side street. It posed as a little snack shop but there was a secret back room with pornographic videos. I had turned 18 and I remember being so nervous going in there the first time. I was very cautious in hopes of getting in and out undetected and kept my cap pulled down tight so the owner would hopefully not get a good look at me. Not that he would know me, but I wanted to be as anonymous as possible because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I hated myself for my weakness and for what I was about to do but I did it anyway. Long story short I developed an addiction.
I met my first girlfriend in college and we eventually became sexually active. We dated for about a year and a half. She was a “church girl” and we both felt convicted about our behavior. We did think we were in love though, so we decided to get married to make things right. We finished up our last two college years and then moved about an hour away to begin our post college life together.
I went into law enforcement and had my first affair during rookie school. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I began drinking in college as well and during rookie school there were many parties as the recruits would get together to “bond” and talk about our future careers etc. I began drinking a lot. I was beginning to do the things I told myself as a kid I would never do. I only stayed in law enforcement for a year and then left because of some corruption I was seeing and because of the disgust I just left. I started working in sales and I also took myother skillset to the nightclubs and began bouncing as well. Bad move. A lot more drinking, another affair and now marijuana. I was spiraling out of control. My wife would hang out at the club sometimes while I was working. She ended up cheating as well.
That marriage lasted 4 years. It was my fault. When we broke up, I fled to California. I had met someone (a woman) out there on a business trip with the sales job I had. We had a fling while I was out there. She said I could stay with her and her roommate while I found a place of my own so off I went. I moved in and never moved out. We got together, she got pregnant, and because I was so “noble” I figured I should at least marry this woman who was now carrying my firstborn. We ended up having two boys together.
My addictions to porn, alcohol and the wacky weed blossomed into full bloom. I was successful with a fitness business I created and we did find a good church home where I did grow in many ways but I was also never honest about my addictions and just kept thinking that I could somehow beat them if I could just learn enough about the Bible, pray better and learn to “be a better Christian.” I continued to be unfaithful and along with all my other sickness we divorced after 14 years of marriage. She was very sick in her own ways as well. We had a very toxic relationship. I would have left that relationship before it ever really got started had she not gotten pregnant. But I didn’t want to be like my parents and have my kids grow up in a broken home.
I am now married to my third (and final) wife. She used to be an angel but she and some other angels were drawing straws one day and she drew the short one and got me as an assignment I think. I of course brought all my addictions into this relationship as well. Although madly in love, after about 8 years of marriage my addictions were starting to take their toll and wear her down. I was still getting worse. She didn’t want to divorce. She could see the real me in there somewhere but didn’t know how to help me. She even studied psychology and got a master's degree in Christian counseling focusing on substance abuse and addictive disorders. I can’t prove she married me as a case study, but… I’m joking of course. But the point is that even with all her training and education she couldn’t make me change. But God….
She visited a church in San Antonio, Tx where we were living and on this day a man gave his testimony. He had been addicted to pornography but was now free and even leading other men through a program called Conquer Series where he found freedom. He was a regular guy. A construction guy by trade. A man’s man and not some pencil neck, Christianeze speaking holy roller. He just loved God and loved people with all his whole, healed heart.
Amy, my wife, came home with a post card invitation to a Conquer Series this guy was hosting. She loved me enough to give me a boundary. The boundary was, go to this or find somewhere else to live until you’re better. She didn’t threaten divorce. She wasn’t going to divorce me. She just wasn’t going to live with addiction any longer. Well, I chose to go. I didn’t want to, and I was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs but I went. I had never talked about my addictions to anyone. Never admitted that I struggled with such private, secret sin (that secretive part is partially what gives it so much power by the way). Sin grows in the dark and there’s a lot of shame. Why can’t I quit? I love God. Why won’t he take this from me.
I began my journey to recovery. I learned many things during the 10 week Conquer Series and shared more about myself with other men who were in similar situations than I had ever shared with anyone. It took root. I learned how to renew my mind and not just try harder. I learned that a renewed mind doesn’t just happen because you want it to happen. There are steps to take that a loving Heavenly Father will lead you through to reach it. He will parent you where you weren’t parented and fill your heart’s gaps and then some. I learned about true intimacy and my true identity in Christ. It was painful but by using the new tools I had been given I was able to become a transformed man by renewing my mind. It didn’t stop after the 10 weeks, however. It’s a lifelong process. For me to continue to heal, stay on track and live a transformed life, I must continue to carry the torch and pass the baton. I went through a more intense version of Conquer call The Seven Pillars of Freedom and have worked through other purity curriculums as well. I also went back to school and earned two certificates. One as a Certified Addiction Recovery Coach and one as a Certified Abuse Recovery Coach. Now part of my recovery is helping as many men as possible who are willing to get honest and start healing from heart wounds and traumas that are driving them to act out.
The acting out is just the side affects of a deeper root cause. When you get to the root, and it’s almost always a wounded heart, the results take care of themselves. I am free from all my addictions. I am living in my right mind and I have peace and joy in my heart for the first time ever. Circumstances no longer determine my behaviors. I’ve learned to rise above them and live a life in Christ in a real way. Life isn’t perfect. There are struggles every day. My boys deal with the traumas of my past addictions and behaviors. I have many convenient excuses to act out if I want to but thanks to a renewed mind, I am no longer a prisoner to that. I am free.
(We encourage you to follow Rusty and Amy’s Ministry, “Purity Is The New Sexy” and to reach out to them if you need personal or marriage coaching. They are trained, certified, and endorsed by LifeShare Church. In fact, they are partners and leaders at LifeShare.)